Monday, August 9, 2010
Fear, Approval, Awareness, the Beginning
I've been thinking about writing this post for awhile, but I've been too afraid to "confess" the way I've been feeling about myself, my body, my food choices.
I suppose I'm nervous about how I'm going to sound to my team (unhealthy, but at least aware?) and how this is going to impact those who are interested in trying KFB. I'm not exactly a poster-child for this project.
Clearly, I've been putting added (and unnecessary) pressure on myself to blog about the "right" thing these last 12 weeks. What the hell is the "right" thing? Is a "good post" one that Patrick and the rest of the team respond to? Or is a "good post" one that's written breezily and candidly? Should you really say what's on your mind when you have a reaction to the KFB, or wait 7 seconds before blogging? Especially if the thought is scary, gross, and destructive?
Because honestly, my mind has traveled to some dark places during this project. Instead of blogging it all out, I remained relatively silent and started therapy - which was a good decision; for despite the ups and downs of this project, I'm very thankful to have uncovered (and interrogated!) my pain surrounding food and body. It runs much deeper than I thought. And I'm 100% sure I would have continued on my dizzying, circuitous journey to "health" had it not been for the astounding realizations I made on both the PCP and the KFB.
But here's an example of a not so healthy moment in my journey (note: the following describes one of my milder episodes). This weekend I was at a friend's baby's first birthday. Can you think of a more beautiful occasion to celebrate with family and friends? I can't either. It was a gorgeous day. Things went well, at first - I did my workout, had a sensible lunch. I helped make cupcakes and only licked a few bits of frosting, and snacked on celery and carrot sticks.
Suddenly, party time came, and I was fielding questions about babies I'm not even close to conceiving, and books I haven't written. Then I was drinking. And having more uncomfortable conversations. Instead of handling these interactions with grace, I handled two cupcakes and a piece baklava. And several glasses (more) of wine. It's not that I ate these things, it's how I ate them. Frenzied and worried. No doubt I felt powerless, ashamed, sad, and unworthy compared to the baby-ful family folk around me.
What a bummer. The rest of the evening was wrought with anxiety. In the bathroom mirror I caught a glimpse of a part of my body I've resented for, oh...20+ years (it's my knees people - they're fatty no matter what I do), and was flat out disgusted. On the way back to New York, at a McDonald's stop on 1-95, I almost bought a sundae. The only thing that stopped me was my belief that I am now lactose tolerant (good thing, dude).
One day I will get to a place where I can have a cupcake and move on.
So yeah. I'm not in the best mental shape I could be - but again, this project has brought me to a point where I'm ready to put in the work to change. BECAUSE WHEN I HAVE BABIES I don't want to pass any of this shame and negativity on to them. Because that's no way to treat them, or myself, dammiiiitttttt!!!
On the fitness front - I'm finally feeling stronger. I lost a ton of energy around days 65-75 or so but love the workouts again. I still can't do a full pull-up, or a kung fu sit-up, or hang out for more than like 8 seconds, but my push-ups are looking pretty good and I can finally do all sets of back kicks without needing to eat a banana in the middle (those just killlllllllllll me!).
I hope this is translating into stronger and more mindful yoga, boxing, and capoeira practices, and that I can continue to KICK ASS day 90 and beyond!
Hoping to have a healthier last few days with you all!
Posted by Shivani at 12:47 PM