P.S. You think this qualifies as a Zen Pie?
Anyway, my indulgent life's-unfair-why-can't-I-eat-whatever moment was triggered last night when I passed a pizza parlor and realized that I couldn't for the life of me recall the last time I'd consumed a cheesy slice. Anyone out there know the answer to this? 2009?? I think I was at Pizza a Bessa in Asa Sul, Brasilia, where you eat til your buttons pop off...not a good moment for me.
Suddenly, the lack of pizza in my life was cause for alarm. And then, I was concerned that I wasn't really that concerned about leading a pizza-free existence. Still I was plagued with the sensation that I was missing something. Internally, I got all whiny. Clearly, this despondency had nothing to do with food; rather, it stemmed from my tenuous connection (or lack thereof) with someone I'd just hung out with, someone I once cared deeply about. Yeah yeah yeah. Food and intimacy. I've hear they're related.
Here's the dealio. That old friend and I had just spent like four hours talking about the past, which was fun, but not so much. Sometimes you don't want to delve so far back and relive complicated memories, especially when the facts regarding what really happened are debatable (but who's counting?).
He drank relentlessly, I sipped on water. He kept urging me to have some wine, to have a piece of chocolate. He tapped my hipbones and joked, OUCH! Damn, those are like daggers!
I was irritated. Stop trying to feed me, fool! And yes, my body is becoming a weapon! I wanted to say (so dramatic, forgive me). Instead, I disengaged. I was tired and wanted to go home and meditate. I convinced myself that my non-consumption was making him uneasy. Maybe he wanted to drug me with stimulants so that I'd think him funny and sweet, when in actuality, at least last night, he was neither. These racing thoughts led me to believe that perhaps it is I who am nervous with the awareness this project is bringing me. Sometimes, clarity is shocking. And scary.
After excusing myself, I strolled through a trendy Brooklyn neighborhood and tried not to stare too much at the beautiful World Cup revelers, but I couldn't help it. Stuck in a moment of outside looking in, I was suddenly envious of the sexy folks stirring gin and tonics in their summer finest. And forgetful about what I'm trying to gain on KFB.
On the way home I asked myself these questions (and hope to blog about them as the answers reveal themselves): What do I want? What do I really really want out of life? And how is KFB going to help me get there?
My body responded with agitation as well, with my knee pain intensifying so much that it woke me up later that night (it has since migrated from behind the right knee to wrapping the entire kneecap - even yesterday's half forward bend was impossible).
Thinking about things this morning, I figured out that I'm annoyed at having to give up certain indulgences on principle.
While I haven't experienced any seriously intense cravings for my normal go-to "treats" (hello fro-yo, where for art thou), I just wish I could indulge on my own. Without being ordered to; without having to "process" the whole experience. If food is just food, then why do we have to think about it all the darn time?
My goal this week (P.S. the non-internet thing has been AMAZING, both for my mood and creativity. I use Freedom to cut myself off) is to do as Emily said earlier: to have the cookie if I must (or in this case, the wine!), and not obsess about consequences and how to "fix" or overcompensate for indulging.
If I slip and sip, I won't die; nor will I necessarily feel better, I'll just have gotten a taste of something that alters my mood, numbs me a bit, and makes me groggy.
Awesome post Shivani!
ReplyDeleteGurrrlll, you got to do what you got to do. Hold up, I'm about to blog it out so I can send you this Geneen Roth book...hopefully with P to class tomorrow. You're right—this program has to work in real life, and sometimes that means making our own choices. But I think the set-up lends itself to that freedom too. I think it's less important to think about the food than to connect with the feelings that come up when we want the food (or the wine!) Salut!
ReplyDeleteOr maybe we need to learn to observe food not as good, bad, forbidden, not forbidden and move on. Like the thoughts while meditating. Observe them and let go.To observe food with detachment. I can't express exactly what I have been feeling about food these days but your post has made clear some points.
ReplyDelete"Eat or eat not; there is no pie!" (Sorry. The Yoda pizza made me do it!)
ReplyDeleteI am in total admiration of everyone who jumped into KFB 30 days or less after PCP! Sticking to 180 days of diet is a challenge, but I'm sure you can do it!
I do think Lili has a point. There is far too much baggage associated with food. It's very intertwined with feelings, emotions, socialization, pleasure, guilt, and so on -- especially in America. The question is: when does food become just food?
Yes, there is so much work to be done here!! When you've been told for years that you shouldn't be eating certain X, Y, and Z, that your body shouldn't be taking up the space that it does, food can start serving a different function (reward, punishment, drug).
ReplyDeleteI think my distorted views towards what I consume only began when I deprived myself and gave the stuff so much damn power.
This program is helping a lot though! Emily, you're so right!!
Yeah, PCP to KFB with a month inbetween is hardcore. I don't know if I could do it!
ReplyDeleteThe idea is that with 3 months mind training around the subject of food you can then go back to a "normal" eating life and be ok.
The fact that you're getting back to back mental boot camps has got to be a lot of strain. Next time have the pizza. I trust you!