Sunday, May 23, 2010

Cry Me a River

I cried today during meditation. Somewhere during the fourth minute, I think, I burst out into tears, and I'm pretty sure it wasn't because of the cigarette smoke wafting into my window (I'm saying, living above a bar sort of blows). Physically it was awkward, and my posture suffered, but I didn't open my eyes, even though I felt like a crazy woman. I was happy for some emotion, though, because so far I've been going through this project like an uninspired zombie. Unlike PCP (yes, I too, will stop talking about this one day!) I'm not sure what my goal is. Should I put up a photo of an agile, flexible, Kung Fu-ish woman on my fridge? Maybe it's time to finally do those benchmarks, girl!

Maybe I cried because I realized that peanut butter might not exist in the post apocalypse, or because Pingo (Ms. Emily) schooled me about the processes involved in the creation my beloved Heritage flakes (I knew they come in a box, but they're so virginal, so pure to me!).

Speaking of heritage, meditation is a part of mine, and I really regret not listening to my mother about this one. She often prescribed it to me (boyfriend troubles? Meditate! Can't find a job? Meditate!), but each time I laughed it off, despite repeatedly witnessing how much peace and comfort it brought her. In the midst of intense family drama, or if her slipped disc was acting up, all of a sudden, she would just be "gone" - like, she'd be sitting there (this happened in a restaurant once), but she wasn't hearing or reacting to anything. I'm not at that level, obviously, but I already feel the benefits of sitting in silence: a slightly sharper awareness of my surroundings, a deeper appreciation for my post-workout snack...

I guess the tears were related to the stretches. While I was going through Patrick withdrawal these last few days, I thoroughly combed his blog and find a great post about opening up hips and, as a result, creativity. I'm hoping that regular pigeon poses and knots will make me a genius novel writing machine!


  1. I love that portrait of your mama.

    Um, I'm pretty sure you ARE a genius novel writing machine. I struggle with pulling creativity out of the well too, though. (Have tight hips been the problem all along?) I feel you on the uninspiredness. Maybe b/c so far this program is less structured than PCP, and therefore, I take the rules less seriously.

    Speaking of rules—dude, there has to be a way to achieve at-home pb. I mean, Whole Foods has that little machine where you can do it yourself. Maybe we can squash peanuts with our toes until they ooze buttery goodness?

  2. I think this time we will have to figure out what our goal is on our own. It looks like Patrick will guide but no one knows exactly where. We will have to make organic goals: goals that change and grow and maybe die along the way. Scary and cool.

  3. Meditation has been something that I have wanted to do for sometime, and I am still learning to appreciate it in its fullness.

    I never thought to correlate creativity and posture with creativity. I love learning about how symbiotic all the parts of our bodies and beings are.

    Thanks for sharing, Shivani. I hope your project is going well.